Meghan's iPod Nano
The shoulder blade is the most intimate part of the back
Keep this ClickHole headline in mind during today’s Perfect Thing, okay?
Meghan McCain is awful. I would never dispute that. I typed out a whole list of things about her that sucked, but reading the list sucked, so I deleted it. Just google if you need convincing.
That said, this eight-second clip from The View is my favorite video of all time.
COVID has been the worst. I miss my friends. I miss travel. I miss not wearing a mask. I even miss going into an office! I miss it all with a desperation I didn’t expect, and I haven’t seen my particular desperation depicted in anything. Not in Gal Gadot’s ill-conceived Imagine video.1 Not in those cars parked in the shape of the word “HOPE.”2 Not even in Bo Burnham’s Inside, which is both excellent and way too intense to reflect my particular quarantine feelings.
I have only seen my exact desperation reflected in this quote from actual American nightmare Meghan Marguerite McCain.
Let’s break it down.
This quote is from The View on March 16, 2021. The pandemic had been ruining our lives for almost a year. The vaccine was finally rolling out to regular people in big Texas cities. And, most importantly, we were just hearing that anti-vaxxers were going to become everyone’s problem by refusing a free, life-saving immunization.
These objectors were mostly conservatives, of whom Meghan is the voice on The View. But she surprises us all right off the bat by saying, “I do trust science, I trust doctors.” To which March 2021 Me said, “hey! She’s gonna get the vaccine! That’s great! I am also going to get the vaccine so that I can go out and do fun things again. I really, really, really want to do fun things again. Hope there’s no Delta variant!”
Next, Meghan seeks to prove the extent of her trust in science. Based on who she is, this is a good idea. In fact, she says that she has so much trust in science that, “quite frankly, I’d let them put an iPod Nano between my shoulder blades.” We will now engage in a close reading of this phrase.
The “quite frankly” is an underrated segue. “Quite frankly” lets people know that you are about to say something wild, so they better buckle up.
What’s great about the rest of this line is the specificity. As the great John Hodgman says, specificity is the soul of narrative.3 This line has two perfect specifications: iPod Nano and shoulder blades. After many iterations, Apple stopped making iPod Nanos in 2017. The version I remember best looked like this:
My friend Amy Balke said it best: “I remember 9/11 so yeah, I know what an iPod Nano looks like.” It’s such a particular reference that hits best for people between my age (30) and Meghan McCain’s age (36).
And then there’s “between my shoulder blades.” We all have shoulder blades. We all know where this spot is. It’s on your back! And she could have just said “in my back.” But compare the funniness of these two sentences:
“quite frankly, I’d let them put an iPod in my back”
“quite frankly, I’d let them put an iPod Nano between my shoulder blades”
The second one is so much better. Specificity!
The final part is what really *chef’s kiss* seals this for me. “I do trust science, I trust doctors, and quite frankly, I’d let them put an iPod Nano between my shoulderblades if…”
If what, Meghan! What is the great joy you have missed the most during COVID? Is it visits to your 67-year-old mother? Is it introducing your baby daughter to beloved friends? Is it travel to beautiful places or live music or bookstores?
“… if it means I can get drunk at Caesar’s Palace again.”
It’s perfect.
Caesar’s Palace is, of course, the famed Las Vegas hotel and casino. It’s the place Tony Stark is gambling at the beginning of Iron Man 1:
It’s the 1987 site of “the closest any man has gotten to robbing a Las Vegas casino” in Ocean’s Eleven:
And it’s where Joey finds his hand twin on Friends:
I’m no Vegas expert, but Caesar’s Palace seems like THE Vegas Casino to me. Getting drunk there is what Meghan McCain wants to get back to most.
Why does this clip appeal to me so much? During the pandemic, I missed a lot of things. It was the longest I’d gone without seeing my family. I realized how many friends of mine lived far away. I missed two weddings that I had been so excited to go to. Of course, all of that had a huge impact.
But in many ways, the hardest part was missing out on the dumbest things. I missed browsing in bookstores for an hour. I missed eavesdropping in coffee shops. I missed drinking a draft beer at a bar with friends. I missed movie theaters a lot. I didn’t miss those things more than my family or friends! But when I had to miss a wedding or a vacation, I couldn’t cope with that by doing the ordinary things that I found comforting. For me, that’s bookstores and Alamo Drafthouse. For my fiancé Mike, that’s ultimate frisbee (and Alamo Drafthouse). And for Meghan McCain, that’s getting drunk at Caesar’s Palace.
This clip is today’s One Perfect Thing.
Have a great day!
That came out, like, two weeks into COVID.
Also two weeks in.
Mr. Hodgman, I am deeply sorry for citing you to praise such a terrible person.